The Grapefruit

I can’t believe that I actually have to point out these very OBVIOUS signs. But from my experience of getting hijacked for my phone number today, I think some guys need a clear reference guide. 

If you ask a girl for her number and she says…

I have a boyfriend/I’m married/I’m a lesbian (this one works best in SF)…

The only clearer answer than this is a flat out ‘NO I DON’T WANT TO GIVE YOU MY NUMBER’. Don’t suggest that she leave her significant other for YOU. I mean, really? 

Why don’t you give me yours instead? 

This definitely means that she has no intention of calling you or returning your calls/texts. She’s merely saving you the embarrassment of rejection. Just be thankful for her mercy and move on. 

I’m moving to another city…

Do NOT respond to this by saying that you’re okay with visiting her even if she’s moving two hours away. If she really wanted to start something with you, she most likely wouldn’t bring up the fact that she’s moving to another city in the first five minutes of this rather awkward conversation. 

I just got out of a relationship…

WOW! TMI and she knows it! At this point, she just wants to scare you off by hinting that even if she went out with you, she’s on the rebound and probably damaged goods. STAY AWAY!

IF by chance, you do get her number, despite all of these very CLEAR signs, DO NOT text her right after the encounter to say ‘hello, how are you, whatever’. You’ll have a better chance of getting a response a week later when she’s forgotten about how much she thought you were a creep.  

I hope this post has helped a poor unknowing fella or pointed out the obvious to the douche bags out there. You’re welcome! 

There’s one major, slightly stupid reason why I wanted to visit Prague (a.k.a. Praha). Prior to this trip, I developed a strange fascination for the author, Milan Kundera. I was completely enamored by his book “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”. I even read four of his other novels and started re-reading the first one. Yes, I was on the verge of developing a cult-like addiction to his work.

Kundera is originally from Prague but was forced to emigrate to Paris during Russian occupation in 1979. The communist epoch interests me because it resembles the current theocratic political order of Iran. In both cases you have a mass whose actions are strictly controlled and scrutinized by the government. I used to think that our western ‘democracy’ was different but I realize now that we’re just as much controlled by corporations. I’m getting ahead of myself again. Let’s move on. 

Prague is incredibly picturesque. The landscape is what every Disney princess movie (except for Aladdin) has tried to copy. I think it most resembles Sleeping Beauty. I thoroughly enjoyed the scrumdidilyumptious, carb-loaded, straight to the hips, dumplings and fried cheese, saw beautiful architecture and learned about the centuries old history of this rather small, extremely beautiful country. But you can get this information from just about anywhere. I’m more interested in giving you the scoop on the bad stuff so you won’t have to experience it for yourself. You’re welcome. 

The first thing I found out the hard way in Prague was that you should NEVER take a taxi that’s not sponsored by the Triple A (AAA) because they WILL overcharge you by like a million crowns. One night I took a five minute cab ride that cost 30 Euro. I should have known better than to get into the cab of a surly, bald headed, KKK looking man with dragon tattoos. Alas, I could do nothing more than to grudgingly hand over the precious notes. Early on I abandoned all of hope of running to the police for help, a lesson I learned while in Paris. They tend to not give a damn about tourists who at once plague their land and turn their economy. Oh, the irony. 

Another important fact that I must impart on you, my glorious reader, is that there is a fundamental white LIE being told to all wide-eyed tourists wishing to see the so-called ‘Prague Castle’. What lie? You ask. Well, in FACT there is NO CASTLE at the ‘Prague Castle’. What lies in these hallowed grounds is nothing more than a Cathedral. Granted, it’s a rather large and somewhat luxurious cathedral but a cathedral nonetheless and certainly NOT a veritable castle as all of the tourist brochures proclaim. I was obviously upset. If you want to see a REAL castle, you’ll need to drive two hours to Cesky Krumlov, an even smaller city in the Southern Bohemian region of the Czech Republic and a UNESCO World Heritage site. Now that’s what I call a Castle! 

And last but certainly not least, I learned very quickly that no one particularly cares about Milan Kundera. No statue is dedicated to him, and his home is long forgotten, not even a park bench is in memoriam of this rather amazing writer. Sadness.

 “Anyone whose goal is ‘something higher’ must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.” 

― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

“Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).” 
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

“We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.” 
― Milan Kundera

“He suddenly recalled from Plato’s Symposium: People were hermaphrodites until God split then in two, and now all the halves wander the world over seeking one another. Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.” 
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

“In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine.” 
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets.  Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry.  Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

I may be a 23-year old unemployed college grad but I’m not completely inept at understanding literary technique. I know that Dr. Seuss’s poem alludes to the achievements and setbacks that one amasses throughout life but I choose to take the much more literal approach partly because it allows me to segue into forthcoming blog posts about the places I’ve been, including: Prague, Cesky Krumov, Vienna, Budapest, Rome, Florence, Barcelona, Valencia, Paris, Strasbourg, Berlin, Frankfurt, Dublin, Dubai, Istanbul, Bodrum, Ephesus, and let’s not forget the cities of my native Iran. Oh man, this is going to take me a really really long time. I think I’ll need to rethink this idea…later. 

But if you want the REAL reason, it’s because if I had to talk about my life achievements and major setbacks, I’d need to flesh out my decapitated life goals. Don’t get me started…don’t even get me started. 

Okay you made me get started…I’m mildly disgruntled by the good doctor’s enthusiasm and optimism regarding the possibility of achieving greatness through good old fashioned hard work and smarts. I don’t think Dr. Seuss was aware of the forthcoming failure of our country. After all, we are experiencing the second great depression, failing institutions and angered masses who have finally figured out that all men are NOT created equal. 

So, I don’t think I’ll be going to many figurative places in the future even though I’m very ‘footsy’. 

BUT, I can talk about the places I’ve been, the places I’ve visited that is. I’ll begin the first post in this series with my travels through Eastern Europe. Come back to read it, whoever you are! 

I can’t call Iran my home, nor can I give America the same name. My status is  transient, as I unconsciously float from one cultural realm to another. But I do call Iran my “Vatan”; a word that directly translates to the physical “body” but also means “motherland”. Iran will always be a part of me.

I still consider myself an outsider in Iran because, unlike the majority of habituated residents, I’m continuously astounded by the day-to-day tasks of those who live, work and play in Tehran. To me, simply crossing the busy streets of the city is a monumental feat. Imagine traversing the Amazon while juggling monkeys and dodging wild boars.

It’s a concrete jungle out there and it’s filled to the brim with 50-year-old cars, gas guzzling SUVs and dilapidated trucks. The average household has three cars within an urban area measuring below 300 square miles. The density of Tehran’s population equals roughly 27,000 people per square mile, thereby turning the city into one big traffic jam. I can’t give enough credit to those who brace these streets, especially the elderly whose worn limbs must cause an inordinate number of near death experiences in one afternoon.

Impervious mountains encircle Tehran; a geological feature that must have been prized in the time of Darius the Great is now the bane of the city. These mountains trap the seemingly endless amount of smog and filth that three million vehicles and nine million residents produce, creating a chemical inferno of sorts. This may seem hellish to you but goes relatively unnoticed or ignored by the population at large who continue to purchase cheap cars and cheaper gasoline to the detriment of their health. If the bodily threat of cancer due to excessive pollution means close to nothing, then the threat of global warming and melting ice caps must not even register in the collective conscience of Tehran’s residents. Perhaps the population feels as though they have more important battles to fight or, more believably, has ceased to care about ostensibly unwinnable wars.

However, despite the heat, pollution, and human/mechanical traffic, Iranians have found ways to not only cope but also to have fun under the strictest circumstances.

Just take a look at this awesome water gun fight in Tehran!

Through Facebook, texting and good old word of mouth, people gathered in Tehran’s Water and Fire park equipped with water guns, and liquid filled balloons for a water fight! Of course, the government was all pissy pants about it and thought that these insidious little counter revolutionaries were players in a new wave of civil disobedience. But that didn’t ruin anyone’s fun! 

I think I like this categorical/numerical system in my posts. It gives a sense of logic and order to my random thoughts. So I’ll just go with it. 

As summer approaches and sunlight seduces you to frolic outside, it’s natural for you to want someone to share it with. However, having recently gotten out of a less than perfect relationship and having curiously observed the relationships of my friends, I’d like to share a few words of caution to those delving into a serious twosome. 

A relationship is most likely not working if: 

1. You have serious differences of opinion regarding the following topics: Religion, Politics and Film.

If he believes in Creationism and you’re pretty sure evolution isn’t a myth, then don’t be surprised in the coming months when he tries to baptize you under the guise of a romantic bath for two. (No, thankfully this didn’t happen to me). 

If he thinks that Rush Limbaugh occasionally makes a good point, then I recommend you tie your guy to a chair and make him watch The Daily Show for hours on end. Some may call this torture, I call it “Operation Reverse Neo-Con Brainwashing”.

If he prefers to watch “Human Centipede” over a classic like “Hannibal”, then he clearly has horrible taste in movies and cannot be forgiven. 

2. You don’t share similar backgrounds or interests. 

This is a touchy subject but I’m gonna to go there. Now I don’t want to sound like a snooty, “holier than thou” elitist, but, there is something to be said about the differences between someone who’s college educated and someone who isn’t. Exceptions exist, however, there are people who never attended college yet are well read and intellectually curious. However, these types of people are difficult to find. So, if you like discussing social issues, art, politics, literature or history, then you might be disappointed when your significant other has no idea what existentialism is. 

3. You are in different points in life. 

If the idea of settling down makes you nauseous and your man isn’t able to pack a bag tomorrow to backpack through the Amazon, then you might as well book a solo ticket to South America. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. 

4. One (or both) of you doesn’t know what he/she wants. 

This one is probably the most important. If you don’t know what you want out of a relationship, whether you want a fling, a long-term partner, a friend (with or without benefits), then get ready for a true disaster of Chernobyl proportions. Not knowing how you want to define a partnership leads to jumbled up emotions that eventually combust. 

5. You aren’t emotionally ready to fully commit to someone else (a.k.a. being “in love”) 

A lot of people say that they are ‘in love’ with someone without really knowing what that means. To me, being ‘in love’ has to do with having the readiness to emotionally connect/sync yourself with another person. This means that you not only genuinely care about the other person’s bad day at work or sore back from working out but also try to make life a little better for them.

Their bad day is your bad day just as your good day is their good day. If you’re not ready to let go of at least some selfishness then you can’t experience true love.